It’s been 5 hours since I’ve had my last fix. I’m on the L train leaving Williamsburg, headed to Central Park. I’m taking a detour and getting off at the next stop. I’m going through withdrawals, my body is shaking and I’m starting to sweat. I need a release soon.

Usually, I’d research the quality of the product, my extensive vetting process guarantees greatness. At this point, I don’t even care – I just really need… pizza.

I’m in the one of the culinary capitals of the world, and for the past week and all I have done is eat, sleep, and breathe pizza.

It’s safe to say that not only am I a pizza connoisseur (and wine, but that’s for another article) but I am a pizza addict, and New York City is my very own version of Walter White’s superlab.

Coming back home to Las Vegas left a pizza-filled void in my heart. As a DTLV dweller, I’ve had my fair share of drunken 2:00 A.M. slices of ‘za after a long night of binge drinking and bad decisions. With so many options concentrated within the barriers of 7th and Main. How do they compare?

I set out on an ambitious mission to try all of the by-the-slice-pizzarias in Downtown Las Vegas, being the hard-hitting journalist I am, I have laid out an extensive scientific method and ranking system. I will also be only judging the cheese slices to keep each place on an even playing field.

It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.

5. Piccadilly Fremont Pizza

Price for a slice of cheese – $3.69

There’s a popular saying that goes “sex is like pizza, even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.” Whoever first said that clearly never ate at Picadilly Fremont Pizza.

If you find yourself on Fremont Street and you’re waiting in line to buy a slice from Picadilly, I think it is time for you to take a long good look in the mirror and re-evaluate your life decisions.

This pizza tasted like it’s been sitting under the heat lamp since the first Bush was president. The cardboard crust incredulously managed to maintain a mushy and chewy consistency simultaneously. The sauce was evocative of ketchup, and the plastic cheese texture was reminiscent of dried residue from a glue gun.

Cheese: 2/5
Crust: 1/5
Sauce: 1/5
Value: 2/5
Presentation: 4/5
Total: 10/25

4. Naked City Pizza

Price for a slice of cheese – $3.25

When Naked City Pizza beat out over 32 pizza joints and won the annual Las Vegas Weekly’s coveted Pizza Championship in 2017, I was *shook*. This local chain currently has 4 locations scattered throughout the Las Vegas valley. Its most recent addition is located inside the infamous El Cortez Casino in Downtown Las Vegas.

Their premier location, in… well, Naked City is connected to Moondoggies dive bar, and let me assure you, there is nothing more satisfying than eating a greasy slice and downing their famous Garbage Fries after a night of drinking your body-weight in PBR. It’s successful because it monopolizes your food options.

The El Cortez location doesn’t work because there are better options within walking distance. This Sicilian “grandma” style pizza is not bad per se, it’s just not my personal preference.

The bready crust is reminiscent of the boxed pizza you got in elementary school and the nonexistent sauce left more to be desired. But as the cheapest slice on this list, combined with the giant portions, this was the best value.

Cheese: 3/5
Crust: 1/5
Sauce: 2/5
Value: 5/5
Presentation: 3/5
Total: 14/25

3. Evel Pie

Price for a slice of cheese – $4.00

I’ve probably eaten here the most due to its convenient proximity to the bars on Fremont East. Their $6 for a slice of cheese and a beer deal is heaven-sent. And this Evel Knievel themed pizza place really just hits the spot after a drunk night out.

Evel Pie offers a nostalgic, greasy, slice served in a non-pretentious environment. Is it the best pizza ever? No, but it does the trick when it’s 4:00 AM and you’re sick of tacos.

Cheese: 3/5
Crust: 4/5
Sauce: 4/5
Value: 2/5
Presentation: 4/5
Total: 17/25

2. Pop Up Pizza

Price for a slice of cheese – $3.95

If this list was a Beauty Pageant, Pop Up Pizza would be voted Miss Congeniality due to its approchability, welcoming nature, impressive inner beauty, and admirable character traits.

Cheese: 5/5
Crust: 5/5
Sauce: 4/5
Value: 3/5
Presentation: 5/5
Total: 22/25

1. Pizza Rock

Price for a slice of cheese – $4.50

Sometimes I envision the gamut of emotions one goes through when they see the Sistine Chapel for the first time. To be embraced by the beauty, passion, and precise execution that Michelangelo set out in his timeless masterpiece 500 years ago.

I have never been to Vatican City, but I’ve been to Pizza Rock – which is essentially the same thing.

This delicious award-winning gourmet pizza is not only the best pizza downtown but the best pizza in Las Vegas. Offering an assortment of classic American, Italian, Sicilian and Neapolitan pizzas by the slice from pizza legend Tony Gemignani. Even offering an iconic pizza window so you can quickly stuff the pizza into your mouth as quickly as possible.

It’s not the pizza you need – but the pizza you deserve.

Cheese: 5/5
Crust: 5/5
Sauce: 5/5
Portion: 5/5
Presentation: 5/5
Total: 25/25